i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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