I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
