I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
