The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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