I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
