Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
