You're my little dorito
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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