Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
