A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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