I'm so fucking centered right now
only you would photoshop your dick
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize