I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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