I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
