How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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