Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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