the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i would one night stand the shit outta him
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
