I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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