Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
