My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
