If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
