my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
