What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
