my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
