I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
