I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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