you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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