I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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