it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize