Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
