I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize