onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
