tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he shaved USA in his pubs
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
