I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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