Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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