He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
