You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
