as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
