Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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