At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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