dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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