my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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