Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
