I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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