I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Will exercising make me less horny?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize