she kept yelling 'call me bella'
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
