my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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