You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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