so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
