I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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