Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
