Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
