I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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