Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
God I need to hump something, right now.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
