JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
