no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If I die, sorry about rent.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize