sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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