a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
