How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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