I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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