First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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