I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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