You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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